Waiting

I'm waiting for you to be interested in me
But it never comes
No it never comes

I've been waiting for you to take pity in me
But it never comes
No it never comes

And all of the blank faces in a crowd of souls show the side of you
That never comes
And as the rain falls down on my face
I lose track of the tears.

I've been waiting for you to adore me
Flaws and all
But it never comes

I've never waiting for you just to show me
But it's all about you

And your hurt overrides mine
And your pain blurs me out
And your love disappears
If you feel any doubt

I've been waiting for you to see in me
What I see in you
But it never comes
And there's sometimes a glimmer of hope
And it falls away

I'm waiting for you to be interested in me
But it never comes
No it never comes
You don't ask me about me
Your heart doesn't seek me out
You can't understand me
If you feel any doubt
And I try so hard to hear you
And see what you see
But it never comes
No it never comes

Melodys "I am" List

Please make a list of "I am" statements. Example: "I am a mother. I am a boy. I am useful. I am happy. I am strong.." etc. Anything that can describe you. Please write at least 10.

I am....
*A mother
*A teacher
*A victim of sexual assault multiple times over
*Uncomfortable being alone
*At the same time totally fine being alone
*Kind
*Compassionate
*Driven
*A seeker of knowledge
*A seeker of solutions
*Forgiving
*Forgetful
*Sarcastic
*Funny
*Intelligent
*Kind
*Loving
*Beautiful
*Spiritual
*Selfless
*Hurting
*Mindful
*Strategic
*A fixer (of things and situations)
*Artistic
*Charasmatic
*Gossipy
*Strong
*Independent
*In love
*A hypnotherapist
*A synesthete
*Colorful in general
*Joyful and a bringer of joy
*Innocent when it comes to people with bad intentions toward me
*A protector of those who have been hurt
*Insecure
*Self depricating
*Self sacrificing
*Truthful
*Judgemental of intelligence
*Soft hearted
*Sensitive
*Insensitive with others
*Lucky
*Strong
*Poetic
*Heartfelt
*Bold
*Individualistic
*Addicted to cigs
*A lover of music
*Intuitive
*Innovative
*Unsure of my place in the world
*Dedicated
*Uncomfortable sexually
*Learning to be comfortable sexually
*Confused about why I'm so difficult.
*Confused about why I've always been so different

I was all by myself

Do you know what it's like to feel completely helpless, unloved, not considered, and empty?

Nothing is ever about me or for me. Everything is at me or to me.

It goes in waves...
One minute she would do anything for me. The next minute I'm the cause of all of the grief in her life. Not me specifically "because she loves me" but it doesn't stop her from discrediting me, belittling me, lashing out on me, and demeaning me.

She feels out of control. I won't abandon her. I can help. I'm in so much pain because her issues are my profession and something I know more about than almost anything... But just like my parenting decisions I'm treated like I'm a joke, don't know what I'm doing. She literally screams at me or laughs at me. It hurts so bad to watch some i love melt down and lose control and direct it at me. I don't have thick skin.
My idea of love was not to be turned on. Its to be supported and cared for when I lose control. Not to lose patience because I feel like I'm useless and unwanted. Untrusted. Disliked. Not heard. Unseen. I'm lonely. I've been depressed for months. The person I trust most in the world tells me I'm a liar and can't be trusted.

The pain that wells up in me goes uncared for. It's like a knife in my heart constantly. I take Hawthorne berry pills like vitamins just to sooth my aching heart.

She wants to resolve it by leaving. She runs away instead of resolving problems. Her anxiety, pressure, fights. Anything emotional. And she can't hear me. She isn't willing to try more. She isn't willing to see me as the person who loves her. I'm just a burden who wants to take from her.

And every time I hear "you don't understand" I want to pinch and kick and scream and erupt and tell her she's fucking crazy and an idiot. But I can't. I am not unkind so I take it out on myself. I always understand. She never looks outside of herself when in the moment. Only after the fact. After the pain is inflicted. She is unwilling to try techniques that could stop it or ease it. She's so stuck in her defense mechanisms.
Her anxiety is Mr. Hyde and her love is Dr. Jekyll. She blames and assumes.

I could help her make all of the pain go away if I was enough to her. If I was trusted. If I mattered. If she cared about me. If she realized that the whole world is not a hopeless pit of despair. I am not trash. I'm fucking GREAT at what I do. Mr. Hyde hates me. I can't fight it. Fighting for her just makes her fight me and resent me more.

What do I do? Fight or flight. Fight or her or flee for my life?

Human condition

I just want to know that I'll be taken care of.

If that typical? Is it typical to think that's a risky endeavor? Am I asking too much?

Is it too much to ask that I'm not the only one responsible for the children day in and day out? Will I ever get a break?
Will I ever get the benefit of the doubt?

Is it hopeless to think that I will be first priority to someone at some point without asking?

Will I ever feel like im doing enough? Like I am enough to my kids? Like I'm enoigh to myself?

Ocd and the opposite of procrastination

I stay up at night and I think. I can't ever sleep unless someone helps me or I drink myself to sleep. I have these feelings that haunt me.

Did I do everything right? Did I make enough lists so I didn't forget? Is every one around me happy? Do I do enough? Am I wasting time?

The cure- spilt milk. That's always been my song. Am I not letting go?

You know when you lay down to bed and you just submit all of your muscles to the cushion and melt? Yeah I can't do that? I'll think I'm doing it.. then I realize I'm holding myself up somewhere. Sometimes I pretend I died and imagine "if I died right now what would happen?" And I let all of my muscles relax like I'm not in control any more. That's when I realize how much I'm holding on. What am I holding on to? Everytime I do it I think "what the hell? Why is it so hard for me?"

I need to meditate more. I haven't done it in almost a year. It was the only way to submit to myself. To just be. It's so hard to just be. I have this issue where I feel like every second is wasted if I'm just laying or sitting or watching TV. If I'm not doing more than one think time is wasted. Nothing has helped me so far.

Its you to me

You always knew that I was the one
And when you doubt it the world loses color
No matter how many abstractions i convey you'll still always have your way.

And what am I?
Am I always the one you see
Holding you
Kissing you
Adoring you?

Because there are times when the world loses color.
And you forget who's looking back at you.
And you forget what I mean to you.
And your eyes go blind

Am I always the one you see?
To be adored by you
And held by you
And touched by you?

What am I to you?
Does anything I say really stick?
Can I ever say anything that you will never doubt?

Does my unwaivering love
Adoration
Affection
Adoration
Effort
Communication
...does it really hit home for you?

Because there are times when the world loses color.
And you forget who's looking back at you.
And you forget what I mean to you.
And your eyes go blind

Lonely

I want to be taken care of.
I want to fuck up and know for sure I have a safe place with someone.

I want someone to care as much as I do. And need me as much as I need them.
I don't want to feel alone.
I don't want to feel like a slave. To life. To dishes. To children.
I don't want her to want me to find friends. I want her to be enough. She is for me... But I want her to want to be enough. I want to feel taken care of. And safe. I want to rely on someone.
It's my own fault. I can't rely on any one. But while I want others to know they can trust me and I'm here for them why doesn't anyone want to make sure I'm safe and that I know I can't fall too far?

I don't want to do all of this on my own. And I don't want to do other people's crap either.

But still she's here for me and she tries to help. Is nothing ever good enough for me? What will it take for me to feel love? Why am I destined to be a caretaker?

Why can't any one comfort me when I cry? Why does every one just think I'm dramatic and can't see how deep the hurt got in order for me to be this way? What do I even need?