I just cant hide it

I'm soooo excited.
My life is on the up and up.

I have experienced love at first sight.
I have experienced meeting the person that your soul has always craved. I didn't know how I would ever fix that feeling in my heart that said "I have a twin" and "I have the perfect best friend somewhere."
I met the person that sings to my soul.

The person who says every word exactly like I need to hear it. Every action is what I need to witness.

It came as quite a shock. And it's intense. It's real. Every cell of my being feels fulfilled. Every neuron in my brain firing at the highest frequency. I'm in love. Just the way I need to be.

My fears are justified. My feelings are overwhelming. My heart is blossoming. I  embodying bliss.

And it's shocking.  Even more shocking...it's a girl.
But it all makes so. much. sense!
I feel exhilarated. I feel exonerated. I feel free. I feel pushed forward instead of pulled back.

I feel special and honored and important. And loved. I FEEL SO MUCH LOVE.
more people than I REALIZED could hear my heart whispering that I needed more. That I was being crushed.
And more people than I REALIZED hurt my heart screaming when I first saw her.
It did. I knew in an instant what I was doing.
And it all makes sense.

She is a complete reflection of all of my hopes and dreams and goals. She has my humor and personalities and love of music and helping people.
She's amazing. She's beautiful. When she speaks I'm captivated. She seems to always know how I need to be loved.

She wakes up if I leave her side. She's random and adventurous. She's intellectual and hilarious. What in the world is happening!? She makes sure I feel honored and respected. I want so badly to make her as happy as possible.

If I'm sad she knows immediately. She feels it. I feel her frustrations and hear her covering up her feelings to be strong. When we aren't even together she texts me asking if I'm OK.

Our texts are a cheesy, but infitinely beautiful romance novel. She brings things out of me I didn't know were there.
I feel powerful and amplified. I am smart and funny and inspired again. She gave me such a gift just by existing. And everything between us is reciprocated. I feel at ease when she's near me, no matter what.

And there's no going back. I know I'm making the right decision, and there is no doubt in my mind that the right decision for me is to love her with everything I can.
And trust that she's always doing the same.

It feels so freeing.
I'm so excited.
I just can't hide it.
Because I'm in love.

Crushed

I've been crushed for weeks..
Months....
Years...
Eons...
My flight dimming more and more with every sundown.
The vice on my heart weakening; leaving me feeling weak and wrecked and wronged. Exhausted.

Then I saw you in a crowd.
My soul, then my heart, then my mouth said "Yes. There you are."
And you motioned "good. Then come on!"
No one understands why!!
It's can't be understood.

A poem

What a strange twist of fate that I might find a soul with my own likeness-
It is Unexpectedly Cascading through my self-built life
My life that is full of love and is shadowed by my lonely depression.
Trapped in my sorrow
I've smiled through a deafening scream on every ones behalf..
What a twist that someone might hear me from so far away when those at my side heard nothing.
What a twist that no one knows who I am when I can see them completely.
What a strange frequency my heart must be tuned to.
What a hard reality that nothing ever feels perfect.
What a harsh daydream that I never feel like enough.
What an exhausting existence that I relentlessly lead,
Without regret or fear or certainties.
Only time can tell what I may endure my happiness sake.
My continuous excitement and joy reflects nothing of the turmoil I feel inside.
A soft glimmer of hope through a glorious smile

The wanting comes in waves

I went through some sort of deep transformation. I hit an uber low but prevailed when our family resolved the weight on its shoulders and again came through for each other.. But I can feel myself sinking.

It's hard for me to be publicly open about my feeling. I always feel like I'll be judged, but just being happy and bubbly all of the time for the benefit of others takes a toll on my ego. This wave to ride is something different. It doesn't involve anyone else, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. My last post was when I was in the depth of crying for help and feeling muted. This time I'm trying to ride a wave that life is bringing on... So here it goes. A vent. To feel real.

I'm so sick of time being drained from me. Im unhappy. Adam never sees his kids, and when I'm with them I have so much to do that I feel it taken away from me. I miss just being with them but there are other kids around and I can't JUST pull mine away.

You know, I think it's hard because I see boo and matt doing it. I see them taking time to be together and taking their kids away from the others to have some special one on one time. I just don't have the ability to do anything with JUST Adam. And it doesn't feel right to tell the other kids to go away so I can just be with my kids. I wish I could do that, because its important... But when I see them do it all I think is that they should be doing the things that I'm sacrificing for, like cleaning the house, including the other kids, making laundry detergent, or generally caring about the community aspect of things so that I have to do it less. When they go do those things it isn't wrong... It's just me wishing that I had the ability to be more selfish. I just want everything to be orderly and clean and for all of us to have time and a nice place to live. I want time for me but I'm using my time in the name of community. But I want to add to my happiness, not take away from anyone else's.

Adam working graveyards makes me stressed. Now that Oliver is in school I feel like I'm missing so much. I want him to get a better job and I want to quit mine. Working and cooking and cleaning and laundry and making lunches and giving Alice time and having a moment to spend with Oliver is too hard by myself. I feel like a single parent. I feel really lonely. I want the ability to get it all done and not feel like I've been working nonstop!

Depression

It's really hard to be too depressed when you're surrounded by children. I think that in no way shape or form is it acceptable to put your feelings on other people or have them affect other people in anyway. I have to be very diligent that I take my feelings are on the children because they don't understand that I'm in a deep depression right now. They can't understand what it's like to feel this one way or the sad. I wouldn't want them to you but another part of my sorrow is knowing that I brought people in the world that are going to have to feel this way someday.

Everyone kept saying that when I move to Washington I be depressed because its cloudy all the time. It's been nonstop sun since I got here in today it's finally cloudy and it makes me happy. I didn't know that the depression I feel when I actually come from the fact that we have to struggle to survive. I'm good at struggling, I know how to do it. But I don't know I would never ever ever see Adam and I didn't know that no one will ever hear me or see me. I don't know that I would feel trapped I like my life doesn't matter because I don't have time to fulfill the once and desires of myself. Is a hard time for everyone and it's hard to remember that too.

I only exist right now for my children. I'm a shell of a person with no interest no career and no hobbies. I feel like barely exist and sometimes I wonder why I do.

Life is hard

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place lately. I never get to see my husband. I miss and love Adam, and soon he's going to be working graveyards. I already see him so infrequently that I'm afraid the only times I'll even be awake is when I'm not home because he left to watch the kids. I remember what it was like when I work graveyards and I was able to live on 3 hours of sleep a day.

I don't even know what to work towards. I don't really know what I want, because the more I think about it the more I realize but it's hard to live freely and not worry about money. We work so much right now just to be able to survive but we don't have time to actually do the things we love or work towards goals to make our future better. We constantly think that this is temporary and it's going to get better but it doesn't feel temporary. It feels like one of those age old life stories where you end up old in the end in the blink of an eye and you never really got anywhere. You just worked and worked and worked to make things work.

It's really really hard to balance work with trying to make a career was trying to spend time with your kids was trying to clean your house was trying to eat everyday and was trying to spend time with your best friend and spouse. Life can be so hard, & I really don't know where to go from here. I want to work towards something in the future and for the future...

Empathetic

Wow... I really dont like labeling myself, or even categorizing at all... but im gonna come out and say it.. This article gabe me a profound answer and amount of peace with myself. Its like being diagnosed by a doctor finally. I knew I was empathic before, but this list made me feel each issue ive neen having has a reason and now I have direction in healing and controllong myself...

http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html

Here are 30 of the most common traits:

1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.

**I have always had this issue and thats the reason ive gone to school for so many things. I always felt that I needed a reason to know things and other people wouldnt believe me if I didnt have proof that I have a right to know it. I vow now to no longer try to overly validate myself.**

2. Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.

**I usually force the anxious feelings out by turning it into excitement.  While I can handle tje intensity for a while I always feel exhausted when I get home.**

3. Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.

**I get overwhelmed over time without even realizing thats what is going on. That's the case as of late. I start not feeling myself and can't figure out why im feeling certain ways. I feel crazy or depressed and dont know why. Its scary not knowing who you are and having feelings that feel foreign build up inside.**

4. Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.

**some times people think its ignorant to not watch the news or know whats going on in the world, but I already KNOW whats going on. I can feel it. When I actually put that information in front of me its overwhelming and sends me into an uncontrollable whirlwind of emotions.**

5. You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.

**ugh I haHATEhis one.  By now my close friends know that I can geel thoights and feelings from others. Its awful.I hate knowing what every ones feelings and intentions are at all times. Its roo much, and it hurts wjen I cant fogure out how to. Get someone to tell me the truth. I ask a lot of questions to understand and try to het others to be open with me. It almost never works out.**

6. Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.

**this one Im not sure about. I dont think it applies**

7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.

**I have an kssue where eating and NOT eating makes me super exhausted, bit thats it.**

8. Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.

*ive definitely always been a freedom fighter, seeking out and righting injustices. Even as a small child. It physically hurts me wjen people are being inconsiderate of others.**

9. Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.

**this is a daily struggle for me. No one ever seems to wsnt to hear me but unloads their whole life story on me withing minutes of knowing me.**

10. Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.

11. Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.

12. Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.

13. Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.

14. Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.

15. Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.

16. Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.

17. Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.

18. Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.

19. Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.

20. Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.

21. Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.

22. Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.

23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.

25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

If you can say yes to most or all of the above then you are most definitely an empath.

Empaths are having a particularly difficult time at the present time, picking up on all the negative emotions that are being emanated into the world from the populace.

Whats mine is yours

Think about your daily thought process. If you live with other people like family or roommates this will be more effective...
But if you have a job or have any amount of money this should still be fun.

When youre cleaning do you think, "this isnt fair, I always do this. Why dont the other people in the house do this?" Do you realize that they may be thinking the same thing?

What about with money. Does the thought of working hard for your money only to share it with others erk you? Do you have moments of "I should get to keep what I earn?" Or "they owe me."

Do you think that others owe you a damn thing? They dont. People should be happy to share their time, energy, and effort freely. There are responsibilities to handle, of course. You need to make sure your bills are paid and your house is clean, but dont feel like because youre doing it that someone owes you. Youre doing it because its a priority to you. Youre lending people money because you decided to be helpful. Its just a good thing to do and youre so cool you got it done. If you can you should.

I have a hard time when people talk about socialism at a party or something and say something to the effect of "im not gonna work hard all day for someone else to reep the benefits for doing nothing." Well it happens quite a bit in capitalism. That's not how it works. It works more like paying it forward where every one benefits if everyone contributes.
The reason I bring up socialism is that theres an influx now of people being interested in sustainable living and sustainable living communities. All communities, sustainable,  socialist, or capitalist work under the principles that every ONE works so every one can benefit.

The point isnt changing the type of system, its changing the mind set we have from needing "more more more" to being happy with what we have and knowing what is enough do that there is enough for others. No more "the less that you have the more ill have" mentalities and more "when I have abundance I want others to share in it."

Even with cleaning. If I feel like doing dishes, mopping, cleaning the counters, vacuuming, and scrubbing the walls it isnt fair to be thinking the whole time "why isnt someone else doing it" and instead thinking about how happy it makes you that its getting done and the next person doesnt have to do it so they have the energy to do the tasks you probably dont feel like doing.  If everyone has a hand in helping just for the greater good and the satisfaction that they accomplished something we wont be looking over our shoulders and having grudges. And if you have a problem speak it out. Say "hey I really dont want to do dishes today. If you get a chance could you?" Instead of "well I did this and this so I think you should do that." They shouldnt have to owe you and it adds awkwardness to a very simple situation where you are just trying to speak your truth.

The fact is that we live in a society where blame is a key principle and im over it. Its changing but it can still be improved on. I want to be a part of change. I want to grow and be happy, not hold myself down by worrying about others. I try not to worry (and im not perfect) about what I am owed or what I am worth to others because I know that I am just another face in a sea of billions trying to get by, feed my family, and keep my shit organized.... so whenever you see your roommate or mother cooking or cleaning tell them "thank you" for saving you the time and energy. When you get served at a restaurant or checked out at a retail counter tell them "thank you" for being the person who does that, and truly genuinely appreciate the energy they are expelling just to survive while making your day easier.
We are not supposed to expect others to be our slaves, even if its only for a moment because you wouldnt want the role to be reversed.