I went through some sort of deep transformation. I hit an uber low but prevailed when our family resolved the weight on its shoulders and again came through for each other.. But I can feel myself sinking.
It's hard for me to be publicly open about my feeling. I always feel like I'll be judged, but just being happy and bubbly all of the time for the benefit of others takes a toll on my ego. This wave to ride is something different. It doesn't involve anyone else, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. My last post was when I was in the depth of crying for help and feeling muted. This time I'm trying to ride a wave that life is bringing on... So here it goes. A vent. To feel real.
I'm so sick of time being drained from me. Im unhappy. Adam never sees his kids, and when I'm with them I have so much to do that I feel it taken away from me. I miss just being with them but there are other kids around and I can't JUST pull mine away.
You know, I think it's hard because I see boo and matt doing it. I see them taking time to be together and taking their kids away from the others to have some special one on one time. I just don't have the ability to do anything with JUST Adam. And it doesn't feel right to tell the other kids to go away so I can just be with my kids. I wish I could do that, because its important... But when I see them do it all I think is that they should be doing the things that I'm sacrificing for, like cleaning the house, including the other kids, making laundry detergent, or generally caring about the community aspect of things so that I have to do it less. When they go do those things it isn't wrong... It's just me wishing that I had the ability to be more selfish. I just want everything to be orderly and clean and for all of us to have time and a nice place to live. I want time for me but I'm using my time in the name of community. But I want to add to my happiness, not take away from anyone else's.
Adam working graveyards makes me stressed. Now that Oliver is in school I feel like I'm missing so much. I want him to get a better job and I want to quit mine. Working and cooking and cleaning and laundry and making lunches and giving Alice time and having a moment to spend with Oliver is too hard by myself. I feel like a single parent. I feel really lonely. I want the ability to get it all done and not feel like I've been working nonstop!
