Abandonment issues

Maybe Ill always feel like the default.
The best friend until the better best friends are there.
The perfect wife because someone more perfect didnt accept you.
Ill be invited to your wedding if I bring it up and you remember I exist.
Not even second best.
The VERY best, sitting alone in the shadows feeling like the last one picked.

I can listen to your problems if youll tell me how wonderful I am
and dont forget to end the conversation as soon as youre done and I mention how heavy my heart is.

Ill make you laugh until someone funnier comes along.
Ill hold your hand
as long as you leave me behind
sitting alone in the shadows feeling like the last one picked.

I can really hear you.
Im screaming deafening pitches in silence.

Why do I always feel like I owe YOU something?
Just for being nice to me...

Wow... The impact of words

My mom just sent this to me on facebook. I have no words.

"Getting ready to go paint at my friend Lucias. Sitting her thinking about you and how much I Love you and what a great human, friend, Mom and daughter you are. Just thought you should know!

Your babies are amazing and get more amazing every day. its because they have you with them making it happen... and Adam working everyday to see they have everything they need.

This was very empowering.

OWWW THE SUN

I really dont like it in Az.  I want to hoop but its hotter than a thousand suns outside. Id also love to play with Oliver.

Selena and Sabrina are making a comeback though. Im stoked! BOW CHIKA BOW BOW

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf2IIQVRiA8q4ISgWEsDaLQ

Hoop party

I dont get a lot of time to practice with the kids around, but with what little I have been able to do (about 12 hours max total since april) Ive gotten some great things down!

Every one is impressed with this one, since no one has ever seen anyone actually do it before (Im guessing its a relatively new trick.) So Im rather impressed with myself! Im AWESOME at it!




I got escalator down, upward vortex (still working on dragging it back down) Lasso, and a few other things I dont actually know the names of.
I even got leg hooping down. getting it back up to my hips is a huge work in progress haha.

Im working really hard lately on isolations. they are my most recent bane! Im gonna kick its but though. one I gues a few more actual things down I think Ill have to work on actually finding my groove, or "flow" - I wanna just DO it, and not only know a bunch of separate tricks haha.

I already see myself as quite the jumper, and not so much big on arm stuff.

I really do love hooping! Candace brought me a 26" polypro from Firefly! That was so super sweet of her, so Ive been able to practice in the house!These isolations are in the bag!

Opposites attract

Its interesting how forward focussed I am and how memory (past) oriented adam is. Its evident even in our speech and how we teach Oliver.

I say "its ok, just be more careful."
He says "I told you not to do it that way."

Side note: its been proven that forgetful people let go easily and the better your memory the easier it is to homd grudges

Hooping!

Yeah Ive been hula hooping and I absolutely love it! Candace has really been inspiring me to do all kinds of new things with my new found freedom without a baby inside of me. I wish it wasnt 110 degrees outside so I could actually practice more, but for now I got at least 12 hours of solid practice under me (thats in a month though)

When I feel discouraged about how frustrated I am with my lack of hoop skills I remember that every single person I admire that can do it has been doing it for over a year. Im actually doing really freaking good! I actually admire myself and my abilities to learn rather quickly. I just need the time. And better weather...

attraction.. the laws.

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

I have to vent. No one listens to me.

Seriously, no one listens to me. Is it so much to ask that you fucking respect me sometimes?

Even the dogs and the cat. Rex will make me get up and let him outside, and then when he wants in he barks CONTINUOUSLY until I let him in. Hes such an asshole. Hercules goes outside and immediately barks at nothing. Any sounds he hears he just barks. I want shock colors for both of them. Im sick of getting up an extra 20 times a day because of them.

Kristen doesnt follow simple rules, like dont do laundry Before 9am and after 5. Not only does she interupt my loads to do her own laundry but she does it at the times I specifically asked her not to, so we are paying extra for her TONS of laundry just because she is rude. Im not even gonna go into the shower situation, the electric usage, not turning lights off, and stealing my bounce dryer thingy.

Ok I am gonna go into the turning lights off thing - just because, ARE THEY BLIND? Its SUPER bright outside and the house is filled with light and they still turn every light on for every room. I know oregon is darker but jesus christ, respect others please.

Then there is the kids. Coral doesnt listen for shit. In fact she does what you ask her not to and then snickers at you because no one disciplines her. She touches and moves all of my things and any of Olivers and its driving me NUTS. its TWICE as bad now because oliver follows her examples. If I ask her to respect my shit kristen pulls her aside and tells her that she isnt in trouble and pretty much not to listen to me cause they are leaving in 4 weeks and mommy will give her anything she wants. Way to make the whole world that is normal come off as the enemy... You have to respect other people and this is the one big problem I have with them. Not all of them. Patrick is actually a bit considerate and will ask me if Im doing laundry or if I need help or if he is in my way. But neither of them Pay attention to Oriah and so she screams and wakes people up, destroys things, and wanders around the yard without supervision. That part doesnt affect me really,, because shes a baby. I really could just do without Coral in my house or teaching Oliver to be a giant asshole all of a sudden. I really dont like the things he does now because she does them.

My child was a well oiled respectful cleaning machine until recently. Now as soon as she shows up I dont even get to see my kid. Im a bit jealous and also just a bit mad about it because she will ignore when I ask her to wait and tell him to do things so he stops cleaning or eating or snuuggling or whatever we were doing until she showed up. Its really affecting me because soon Ill have another baby and wont be able to give him this attention. And she will be gone.

A reading from a medium

I talk to a girl today with a gift for listening. Does an awesome reading! She said the word for word how I usually say that.

She said that she felt like I had fears around moving. forward like I didn't know what forward was. Like I was waiting for a map what it was just about taking a step. I don't feel like that's necessarily true. The fear part, anyway. I do feel like I can't take a step, but it's because I feel like I don't even have a map. I don't know where I'm supposed to go next.

She saw that I have a gift for helping people transition into death. She pretty much quoted me when she said, " if you're the type of person that can do that work then you should."

She said I'm naturally comforting trustworthy the natural healer and then I can be really intimidating to people. She said that she doesn't really think I'm going to have any further education right now but at some point I will.

She saw many issues with money and said that things always seem to work out for me. She also said something that rain really true, that I learned lessons from my parents but you have to work really hard to get anything. She said I need to let go of that because I'm a child of the universe and things always work out for me. I need to learn how to ask the universe for help. I need to learn how to be patient and trust that things will work out.

She saw that I'm supposed to be a teacher and a leader. She said not to worry because it will work out organically and everything will come together for me. Again I just have to wait. She said that I would write a book and I wouldn't be a teacher one institution that I would travel and have workshops. Even though I don't know what my book might be about I should know in six to eight months what it becomes clear.

She asked me if I had plans to move because she saw me moving somewhere up north in December. She asked me if I lived there before I told her no I've always lived here. She said that it felt like that was my home or like I had a past life there. I explained to her that I always say it feels like home there. So explain how I feel like Washington is just like Scotland does the Scotland of America. And I have done past life work where I was from Scotland.

She said she saw a bride and that I was either in a new relationship or had already found my twin flame and we were entering a new state of our relationship.

She said there's always been stuck between me and my mom. She didn't know if it was bad now we're getting better but I need to think my mom either energetically or verbally because we agreed to this contract before this life and she's fulfilling it.

She told me that I'm very empathic and that I need to practice clearing others energy so I can see clearer. A good one to try is recycling energy into the earth into love. I need to wat healthy whole foods for more clarity.

I, along with others are moving into a higher vibration and becoming really opened energetically.

My affirmation for a while is going to be everything works itself out for me easily and effortlessly.

Take off your Bras and Burnham

Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.

Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily

Have you ever been to a birthday
Party for children?
And one of the children
Won't stop screaming
'Cause he's just a little
Attention attractor

When he grows up
To be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded
For never maturing
For never under-
Standing or learning

That every day
Can't be about him
There's other people
You selfish ass hole

I must be psychotic
I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy
Of all this attention

Of all of this money, you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention, I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion, I'm wearing make-up, I'm wearing make-up
Make-up, make-up, make-up, make...

Art is dead
So people think you're funny, how do you get those peoples money
Said art is dead
We're rolling in dough, while Carlin rolls in his grave
His grave, his grave

The show has got a budget
The show has got a budget
And all the poor people way more deserving, of the money
Won't budge it

'Cause I wanted my name in lights
When I could have feed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights
Forty fucking fortnights

I am an artist, please God forgive me
I am an artist, please don't revere me
I am an artist, please don't respect me
I am an artist, you're free to correct me

A self-centered artist
Self-obsessed artist
I am an artist
I am an artist

But I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
Kid
And maybe I'll grow out of it

Tears and tears

I wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like all I have is adam for this one. I dont want anyone to pity me and I'm the worst at getting help. I've been crying every day. Its not hormones. I wish it was.

I'm crying now because you can't tell a 3 year old that you are frustrated with him not being potty trained because all of his underwear are now dirty and we don't have any diapers because we only only have $20 for the next week and mommy needs that for food and gas.

How do I tell him that the only we we can eat more than bread and the garbage jelly and peanut butter and canned beans wic gave us is if i sacrifice the $40 my mom gave me for the chiropractor so I can walk without all of this pain every day?

I couldn't tell him I was crying earlier because his dad already decided to sacrifice that money without asking me so that we can pay last months mortgage and start worrying about the next one somehow.

I just don't know what to do.  I feel so helpless. I'm always hungry and in pain and just sad...

Roommate frustration

I'd like to be able to give my kid a bath regularly. Hell I'd love to get a shower/bath myself regularly. Someone is ALWAYS in the bathroom (yes we have two) and when I get to take a shower someone gets in the other one so the warm warer stops to mine. Every two weeks I try to enjoy a shower to no avail.

When I gove oliver a bath the tub is cligged and dirty. His toys are missing and replaced with their products. They don't clean anything. There isn't evwn a garbage in that bathroom.

They are inconsiderate.  I'm always missing things that their kids take or break or lose (and no one warches or fixes or cleans. It all just gets left for me to clean.) A third of the work I do regularly is to clean up their stuff.

I'd like to do my laundry.  Somehow she is doing laundry 24/7. When she's not home I have to finish hers in order to start mine cause clothes are left in the washer and dryer.

They leave the lights on no matter what time of say it is. I hare to say it but I'm starving and broke and 2/3 of all warer and at least half of all electric is going to them.

I just want peace.  I want my stuff to be minem is that selfish?  I want my stuff to stay where I put it. I want family heirlooms back and not broken. I wanr to feel like I'm getting what I've worked for.

Most of all I want someone to consider me.  My needs, my wants, how much work I do regularly.  Someone do something nice for me?

Thank god for candace. Shes the only person I feel really does things for me without being told to.  Ugh

Soul seeking

I did some meditating and soul seeking. I narrowed it down and located the feeling of abandonment that happens to me regularly. This feeling that envelopes me and makes me feel alone in a crowd of people and friends. I was reading a book on astrology abd delved really deep into Gemini. Confirm some things about me.

Sometimes I think I'm lazy another time so I just think I'm exhausted. Exhausted usually feels more correct. I feel like I'm always fighting for life. So this realization came to me that I am. I am allies the people around me and how they treat me and although I'm surrounded in love and encouragement I'm not really encouraged to do anything. I get "good job" and "you can do anything" and "you're really good at stuff" but when I have an idea no one told me to go for it. No one ever tells me I'm good at anything specific. I think throughout my entire life no one's ever told me things that are good about me and the rare times anyone has it was a complete surprise to me and I didn't feel like I deserved it. Is this why I have to fight to prove that I'm good? Am I good at anything?

The good thing is I'm really good at encouraging myself. In the end I guess I really have is your own love for yourself.