I stay up at night and I think. I can't ever sleep unless someone helps me or I drink myself to sleep. I have these feelings that haunt me.
Did I do everything right? Did I make enough lists so I didn't forget? Is every one around me happy? Do I do enough? Am I wasting time?
The cure- spilt milk. That's always been my song. Am I not letting go?
You know when you lay down to bed and you just submit all of your muscles to the cushion and melt? Yeah I can't do that? I'll think I'm doing it.. then I realize I'm holding myself up somewhere. Sometimes I pretend I died and imagine "if I died right now what would happen?" And I let all of my muscles relax like I'm not in control any more. That's when I realize how much I'm holding on. What am I holding on to? Everytime I do it I think "what the hell? Why is it so hard for me?"
I need to meditate more. I haven't done it in almost a year. It was the only way to submit to myself. To just be. It's so hard to just be. I have this issue where I feel like every second is wasted if I'm just laying or sitting or watching TV. If I'm not doing more than one think time is wasted. Nothing has helped me so far.
