I was all by myself

Do you know what it's like to feel completely helpless, unloved, not considered, and empty?

Nothing is ever about me or for me. Everything is at me or to me.

It goes in waves...
One minute she would do anything for me. The next minute I'm the cause of all of the grief in her life. Not me specifically "because she loves me" but it doesn't stop her from discrediting me, belittling me, lashing out on me, and demeaning me.

She feels out of control. I won't abandon her. I can help. I'm in so much pain because her issues are my profession and something I know more about than almost anything... But just like my parenting decisions I'm treated like I'm a joke, don't know what I'm doing. She literally screams at me or laughs at me. It hurts so bad to watch some i love melt down and lose control and direct it at me. I don't have thick skin.
My idea of love was not to be turned on. Its to be supported and cared for when I lose control. Not to lose patience because I feel like I'm useless and unwanted. Untrusted. Disliked. Not heard. Unseen. I'm lonely. I've been depressed for months. The person I trust most in the world tells me I'm a liar and can't be trusted.

The pain that wells up in me goes uncared for. It's like a knife in my heart constantly. I take Hawthorne berry pills like vitamins just to sooth my aching heart.

She wants to resolve it by leaving. She runs away instead of resolving problems. Her anxiety, pressure, fights. Anything emotional. And she can't hear me. She isn't willing to try more. She isn't willing to see me as the person who loves her. I'm just a burden who wants to take from her.

And every time I hear "you don't understand" I want to pinch and kick and scream and erupt and tell her she's fucking crazy and an idiot. But I can't. I am not unkind so I take it out on myself. I always understand. She never looks outside of herself when in the moment. Only after the fact. After the pain is inflicted. She is unwilling to try techniques that could stop it or ease it. She's so stuck in her defense mechanisms.
Her anxiety is Mr. Hyde and her love is Dr. Jekyll. She blames and assumes.

I could help her make all of the pain go away if I was enough to her. If I was trusted. If I mattered. If she cared about me. If she realized that the whole world is not a hopeless pit of despair. I am not trash. I'm fucking GREAT at what I do. Mr. Hyde hates me. I can't fight it. Fighting for her just makes her fight me and resent me more.

What do I do? Fight or flight. Fight or her or flee for my life?